It’s been a while since I’ve updated here… does anyone even use WordPress anymore? ^^; Ah well.
I find myself disappointed often. Because of others, because of myself. I wish I had more freedom. Coming back home, I always feel so much more restricted. In Austin, I can go anywhere. I can go out every night if I want. I don’t have to ask permission. I don’t have to get a ride from someone, or if I do, it’s not a hassle. Despite all the control I can have there, I still manage to attend my classes, study hard, and have a social life. It’s a good balance. I like my independence. I feel so much more creative and… things seem more possible there since I’m surrounded by equally ambitious peers.
Back here in Sugar Land… My parents get on my back if I go out too much. Not too long ago, my dad got annoyed when I told him I wanted to go somewhere this weekend because we’re going to a concert next weekend. Does that make any sense to anyone? Am I supposed to stay at home and play dead one weekend and come alive the next? And yet at the same time, he tells me I should get away from the computer. I can’t drive anywhere because I don’t want to drive. I don’t have my own car. I walk to my job, which is, thankfully, only ten minutes away by foot. My friends are not as accessible. I feel less creative.
Why is it always like this when I come home? I want to get away and go somewhere far. I want to run around in the sun and go see weird things and take pictures and videos. These are the things I feel I should be doing a lot of. Because I’m young and alive. Because I want to and I’m curious. Because it’ll keep me creative – that is going to be the biggest criterion of my future career, after all. I don’t want to sit here and be jealous of all the life it seems everyone else is getting. I’m only here in this existence for so long… why am I not out there? Am I being dramatic?
So I proposed to my mom that we go to The Paper Runway tomorrow, which is an exhibition housing more than 50 dresses made from recycled paper created by artists from all over the world. Luckily we’re both interested, otherwise it’d be a no-go. So it’s halfway to freedom in that sense – it’s a compromise. She asked me what else we should do since it won’t take all day, and I saw that there was a play going on that we could attend. I haven’t seen a play since we saw Hairspray on Broadway three years ago. She didn’t want to because “they’re boring.” But how can you not give it a chance? I was disappointed. No compromise there. Another power play; no freedom in that situation.
But I should be a half-full person like I said in my last entry. At least we’re doing something different tomorrow. And heck, it won’t always be like this. Eventually, I’ll have to drive. Eventually, I will be able to decide, and things that seem impossible will be less impossible the more I keep forcing my way through. I know I’m meant for big things.
Fighting!!
