Lately I’ve been thinking about how fickle I am when it concerns love. I want it, I envy it. When it’s offered to me, I shy away. I’m afraid of the fall. I may blame circumstances, push the people I want away, and end up sitting here, writing and regretting and kind of wanting to scream and laugh at how fickle, how silly I am.
School’s important, so I tell myself to focus on that. People come and go, but my friends know me best and will always be there for me. So I choose my friends, I choose my family. Some may wonder why can’t I choose both? Am I making things more difficult than they actually are?
He’s sweet, he’s romantic, he’s handsome, he’s intelligent, and the list goes on. Everything on my checklist. A silly checklist. But he lives miles away, he’s lost in life, and… I just can’t see it working out. So I put up barriers. I lie when he’s completely honest about his feelings. It makes me feel absolutely, 110% awful when he trusts me so much when he hardly trusts anyone else. Who am I protecting?
It’s all so utterly complicated, but most of all, it’s just sad. Maybe when we’re both older, it won’t be so impossible to me.
I wish I felt it were okay to tell you I like you a lot. I really do. I reallyreallyreally like you, and I’m not so sure I’ll ever let you know, not even when we meet because I’m just going to leave. That would just hurt us both, you know?
Ahhhhh. But then I think, if we both really want to be together, then we’ll make it work somehow. My problem is I don’t know how badly I want it. I’m so afraid of taking a chance when it comes to love. And for that, I’m sorry.
