I’ve grown a lot since the last time I made an entry here. It’s been over half a year, but I haven’t forgotten you, WordPress, though no one seems to read here anymore. Which is fine… the echo of the interverse is lonely and comforting. Poetic… yeah no.
It certainly didn’t seem possible, but I have a boyfriend now. No, not a pixel boyfriend. Not even a celebrity boyfriend. A boyfriend that I’ve actually met, held hands with, kissed, and exchanged “I love you”s with. And it happened… to me? Granted, I’m only 21 — Drew Barrymore’s character in Never Been Kissed still has one up on me — but there were times when I felt like I could never muster the courage to just go for it. But it happened, it really did.
And not anyone could break down these silly barriers I’ve put up, no. It took a lot of misunderstanding, fighting, crying and compassion and trust and confusion and patience and shyness and ultimately confidence to realize that this boy was rare… and I was going to mess it up. Because I cared too much what other people thought. Because I believed my mom was right and her word was final. Because I refused to let someone fall in love with me… why? I don’t really understand it. Maybe I’m too hard on myself and believe that those who love me don’t see how insecure and abnormal and unlovable I really am. Which is ridiculous… ’cause I am quite amazing and I know it. So… contradiction, much? Though a part of me believes it’s a pride thing. I like to think I’m tougher than I really am… that I don’t need anyone as anything more than a friend.
Point is, I gave it a chance, and I’m still amazed at it all. I’ve always been a bit pessimistic about relationships (when I’m not being idealistic — gotta find that middleground…). I never thought I could find someone who was like a best friend but also a… lover? Lover is such a weird word… But that kind of combination… I didn’t think I could find it. I would see people fall into relationships and out of them every few months… nothing seemed real, and I didn’t want any part of it. I would have long talks about it with my best friend all the time. We were too good for the masses!
All the while, I was having conversations with this boy like we were BFFs without even realizing that he understood me so well. Blind as a bat, really. But then, he was a whole ocean away, and maybe he didn’t seem real to me because of that. He was just somebody I could vent out my frustrations to without consequence. And I could relax and just “be myself” (no judgment, not a care) when I talked to him. And we’re really open with each other. It’s been nearly two years since we both said hello, but to my mom, we just met for the first time a few weeks ago and some of the things we share make her blanch. She finds it hard to accept and understand, and I don’t blame her. Our relationship is quite strange and unusual considering our circumstances, but… it’s worked quite well so far.
I let down my guard late in March, and I don’t regret a thing. I was afraid it would change everything and things would be super awkward, but he’s still like my best friend. And I was afraid I would suddenly lose all interest in him like I had with all my past crushes who had shown interest in me, but good gravy, I want to be around him all the time doing nothing and I randomly miss him an insane amount and start crying to myself like some stupid lovesick… not-me, and I just feel an intense amount of affection and love for this wonderful human being with the things he says and does because he just gets me and shares my interests and he gets along with all my friends so far and we can joke and we can be serious and he’s helped me out of my shell and he’s considerate and we can talk disagreements out in a mature fashion and he encourages me and tells me every day without fail that he loves me, that I’m beautiful and he knows things I don’t even tell my best friend since middle school and still wants to be with me despite the things I tell him that make my mom uncomfortable. That’s rare, it most certainly is.
And even if things don’t work out (because a lot can still go wrong, unfortunately… we’ve got a lot of hurdles to jump), I’m so thankful to have met someone who has taught me how to love without fear, to express my affection (slowly but surely) without my pride getting in the way, to disregard expectations and labels, to realize that it’s perfectly okay to be in love and put myself first and have warm fuzzies and not feel guilty about it. Thank you, thank you. For pushing me, for waiting for me, for helping me open up. No need for anniversaries (at least not yet; maybe we’ll start caring about these things later haha) because it was all a gradual transition and I have no idea what day a romantic relationship began, no need for grand gestures or expensive presents, no need for anything but each other… It all feels perfectly innocent, purely love.
Granted this is my first relationship (and a long, LONG distance one at that…), but I’m happy. I believe my understanding of love is real, and definitely a lot better than some of the others’ around me. I would like to see it grow. I want him to meet everybody I know. I want him to be a part of my life… maybe always, even. It’s kind of a scary thought, thinking like that, but… well the thought of not being with him is scarier… and I never thought I would ever feel that way about someone.
Life deals the strangest cards sometimes. I wonder where I’ll be in another few months? Things are going to change a lot within this next year… some big life changes going on, yep.
In even brighter news, my passion for creative advertising has been reignited, especially now that I’ve been able to advance to the next stage in the sequence. I’m going to force my way through to perfect laughter.
