It certainly didn’t seem possible, but I have a boyfriend now. No, not a pixel boyfriend. Not even a celebrity boyfriend. A boyfriend that I’ve actually met, held hands with, kissed, and exchanged “I love you”s with.  And it happened… to me? Granted, I’m only 21 — Drew Barrymore’s character in Never Been Kissed still has one up on me — but there were times when I felt like I could never muster the courage to just go for it. But it happened, it really did.

And not anyone could break down these silly barriers I’ve put up, no. It took a lot of misunderstanding, fighting, crying and compassion and trust and confusion and patience and shyness and ultimately confidence to realize that this boy was rare… and I was going to mess it up. Because I cared too much what other people thought. Because I believed my mom was right and her word was final. Because I refused to let someone fall in love with me… why? I don’t really understand it. Maybe I’m too hard on myself and believe that those who love me don’t see how insecure and abnormal and unlovable I really am. Which is ridiculous… ’cause I am quite amazing and I know it. So… contradiction, much? Though a part of me believes it’s a pride thing. I like to think I’m tougher than I really am… that I don’t need anyone as anything more than a friend.

Point is, I gave it a chance, and I’m still amazed at it all. I’ve always been a bit pessimistic about relationships (when I’m not being idealistic — gotta find that middleground…). I never thought I could find someone who was like a best friend but also a… lover? Lover is such a weird word… But that kind of combination… I didn’t think I could find it. I would see people fall into relationships and out of them every few months… nothing seemed real, and I didn’t want any part of it.  I would have long talks about it with my best friend all the time. We were too good for the masses!

All the while, I was having conversations with this boy like we were BFFs without even realizing that he understood me so well. Blind as a bat, really. But then, he was a whole ocean away, and maybe he didn’t seem real to me because of that. He was just somebody I could vent out my frustrations to without consequence. And I could relax and just “be myself” (no judgment, not a care) when I talked to him. And we’re really open with each other. It’s been nearly two years since we both said hello, but to my mom, we just met for the first time a few weeks ago and some of the things we share make her blanch. She finds it hard to accept and understand, and I don’t blame her. Our relationship is quite strange and unusual considering our circumstances, but… it’s worked quite well so far.

I let down my guard late in March, and I don’t regret a thing. I was afraid it would change everything and things would be super awkward, but he’s still like my best friend. And I was afraid I would suddenly lose all interest in him like I had with all my past crushes who had shown interest in me, but good gravy, I want to be around him all the time doing nothing and I randomly miss him an insane amount and start crying to myself like some stupid lovesick… not-me, and I just feel an intense amount of affection and love for this wonderful human being with the things he says and does because he just gets me and shares my interests and he gets along with all my friends so far and we can joke and we can be serious and he’s helped me out of my shell and he’s considerate and we can talk disagreements out in a mature fashion and he encourages me and tells me every day without fail that he loves me, that I’m beautiful and he knows things I don’t even tell my best friend since middle school and still wants to be with me despite the things I tell him that make my mom uncomfortable. That’s rare, it most certainly is.

And even if things don’t work out (because a lot can still go wrong, unfortunately… we’ve got a lot of hurdles to jump), I’m so thankful to have met someone who has taught me how to love without fear, to express my affection (slowly but surely) without my pride getting in the way, to disregard expectations and labels, to realize that it’s perfectly okay to be in love and put myself first and have warm fuzzies and not feel guilty about it. Thank you, thank you. For pushing me, for waiting for me, for helping me open up. No need for anniversaries (at least not yet; maybe we’ll start caring about these things later haha) because it was all a gradual transition and I have no idea what day a romantic relationship began, no need for grand gestures or expensive presents, no need for anything but each other… It all feels perfectly innocent, purely love.

Granted this is my first relationship (and a long, LONG distance one at that…), but I’m happy. I believe my understanding of love is real, and definitely a lot better than some of the others’ around me. I would like to see it grow. I want him to meet everybody I know. I want him to be a part of my life… maybe always, even. It’s kind of a scary thought, thinking like that, but… well the thought of not being with him is scarier… and I never thought I would ever feel that way about someone.

Life deals the strangest cards sometimes. I wonder where I’ll be in another few months? Things are going to change a lot within this next year… some big life changes going on, yep.

In even brighter news, my passion for creative advertising has been reignited, especially now that I’ve been able to advance to the next stage in the sequence. I’m going to force my way through to perfect laughter.

I have been reflecting, thinking, mulling over, deciding, pulling back, and as a result, I have lost my feelings, my nerve. Not just with romance, but with my personal ambitions as well.

Thinking and reflecting is good, but when it overwhelms you, it paralyzes you, and you feel lost. Insecure. Doubtful of everything. Blaming yourself, blaming others.

And you know you shouldn’t be that way, but you say you can’t help it. Mind over matter is no silver platter. +10 for the rhyme.

One more time, let’s reposition. Let’s remember what matters and what does not as much.

I want to be in creative advertising. I want to travel and become a woman of the world. I want to be confident, I want to feel it inside and out. I want to ask as many people as possible about everything related to it. I want to be a copywriter. I want to be witty and uncover simple truths that everyone can identify with. I want to work for an ad agency, I want to try Pixar, and gaming companies, and fashion industries as well.

All of this can be accomplished. The only thing that stops you is yourself, and it’s weird. ’cause I do believe in myself. But my doubts cloud me. It shouldn’t matter what others think all the time. Having sympathy for others is a good human trait, but when it stops you from doing what you want to do, it’s no good.

Deep breaths. It’s a new year. I’ll bring about some definite change. I’ll reposition my frame of mind so that I see that thornbushes have roses instead.

School’s important, so I tell myself to focus on that. People come and go, but my friends know me best and will always be there for me. So I choose my friends, I choose my family. Some may wonder why can’t I choose both? Am I making things more difficult than they actually are?

He’s sweet, he’s romantic, he’s handsome, he’s intelligent, and the list goes on. Everything on my checklist. A silly checklist. But he lives miles away, he’s lost in life, and… I just can’t see it working out. So I put up barriers. I lie when he’s completely honest about his feelings. It makes me feel absolutely, 110% awful when he trusts me so much when he hardly trusts anyone else. Who am I protecting?

It’s all so utterly complicated, but most of all, it’s just sad. Maybe when we’re both older, it won’t be so impossible to me.

I wish I felt it were okay to tell you I like you a lot. I really do. I reallyreallyreally like you, and I’m not so sure I’ll ever let you know, not even when we meet because I’m just going to leave. That would just hurt us both, you know?

Ahhhhh. But then I think, if we both really want to be together, then we’ll make it work somehow. My problem is I don’t know how badly I want it. I’m so afraid of taking a chance when it comes to love. And for that, I’m sorry.

I find myself disappointed often. Because of others, because of myself. I wish I had more freedom. Coming back home, I always feel so much more restricted. In Austin, I can go anywhere. I can go out every night if I want. I don’t have to ask permission. I don’t have to get a ride from someone, or if I do, it’s not a hassle. Despite all the control I can have there, I still manage to attend my classes, study hard, and have a social life. It’s a good balance. I like my independence. I feel so much more creative and… things seem more possible there since I’m surrounded by equally ambitious peers.

Back here in Sugar Land… My parents get on my back if I go out too much. Not too long ago, my dad got annoyed when I told him I wanted to go somewhere this weekend because we’re going to a concert next weekend. Does that make any sense to anyone? Am I supposed to stay at home and play dead one weekend and come alive the next? And yet at the same time, he tells me I should get away from the computer. I can’t drive anywhere because I don’t want to drive. I don’t have my own car. I walk to my job, which is, thankfully, only ten minutes away by foot. My friends are not as accessible. I feel less creative.

Why is it always like this when I come home? I want to get away and go somewhere far. I want to run around in the sun and go see weird things and take pictures and videos. These are the things I feel I should be doing a lot of. Because I’m young and alive. Because I want to and I’m curious. Because it’ll keep me creative – that is going to be the biggest criterion of my future career, after all. I don’t want to sit here and be jealous of all the life it seems everyone else is getting. I’m only here in this existence for so long… why am I not out there? Am I being dramatic?

So I proposed to my mom that we go to The Paper Runway tomorrow, which is an exhibition housing more than 50 dresses made from recycled paper created by artists from all over the world. Luckily we’re both interested, otherwise it’d be a no-go. So it’s halfway to freedom in that sense – it’s a compromise. She asked me what else we should do since it won’t take all day, and I saw that there was a play going on that we could attend. I haven’t seen a play since we saw Hairspray on Broadway three years ago. She didn’t want to because “they’re boring.” But how can you not give it a chance? I was disappointed. No compromise there. Another power play; no freedom in that situation.

But I should be a half-full person like I said in my last entry. At least we’re doing something different tomorrow. And heck, it won’t always be like this. Eventually, I’ll have to drive. Eventually, I will be able to decide, and things that seem impossible will be less impossible the more I keep forcing my way through. I know I’m meant for big things.

Fighting!!

Yooo… so this is actually going to be kinda a deep-thinking entry~

So I’m sitting back and reflecting on… life! A lot of sad things have happened lately. It gets hard to smile sometimes, doesn’t it? But if you think about it, sad things happen all the time. You’re just not aware of it every single minute. So you gotta learn to cope with it and keep going, right? Right. And it’s not just people dying or people breaking up or bad grades… it’s losing hope, feeling sad and not understanding why you feel that way, wanting something that seems impossible. So many obstacles… but what’s life without a challenge? Right.

Ah, I feel like a really naive ball of clay as Emily once said. Did she quote someone else? I don’t remember! But yeah… I know and yet I don’t. Sometimes I wonder how people see me. Am I too cheerful? Do I need to come down to Earth? I don’t want to be upset or pessimistic. It’s important to keep your dreams alive no matter how crazy they may seem, right? Something about a broken-winged bird.

So yeah… one of my close buddies… holy crap, no, two of my close buddies recently broke up with their guys. One seems kinda temporary because he was taking out all of his stress on her so she called it quits, but the other seems permanent. I’m not sure what happened with the latter since she hasn’t had time to talk to me yet, but I know she’ll be okay eventually. All I know is that they almost really broke up once because he had betrayal issues due to his last girlfriend and he got all paranoid and it really hurt her because he didn’t trust her. Love is pain? I don’t know… I’ve never had a boyfriend! But I do know it hurts when someone tells you he doesn’t trust you. Poor buddy.

And then someone my sister knew died in a car accident yesterday on the way home from Austin. I’m really sad even though I never knew him. It seems all too common these days, and this time, I know what it feels like to lose a friend that way. It hurts more to hear about his death than it does to hear about my friend’s depression over her break-up because I understand that kind of pain.

Ah, it seems there are always two sides to a coin, a sacrifice. Have a boyfriend, risk the pain of love. Have a friend, risk the pain of loss. But this is the pessimist’s view, the half-empty glass.

I want to see it in another light! Have a boyfriend, risk finding someone who would walk a thousand miles for you. Have a friend, risk having that unbreakable bond of companionship like no other and seeing through different eyes. This is the optimist’s view, the half-full glass.

Two of the same concepts, two different views. I guess my point is that there are too many half-empty people out there. The world needs more half-full people! More times than I can count, friends and myself included have complained about not doing as well on a test as we would’ve wanted to and feeling dumb about it. We should be thankful we learn from our mistakes and come back stronger, right? Right! Something something another door opens!!

Haha this entry makes no sense. I need to be better at writing persuasively. Anyway, have a good break everyone! I’m thankful that I have such awesome friends and family. Wouldn’t change it for anything regardless of the good and bad times. Smile!

So today was a pretty good day! I got an A on my ARH test and then an A-/A on my UGS paper. Hurrah! Better good news is that I e-mailed my UGS professor asking about how grading will be done in that class since we get +/- letter grades back, and he said that any A is a 4.0. YES. I have a chance of getting a perfect score this semester, then. ^^

I haven’t gotten straight As since middle school! I got straight Bs in math and science and the occassional A in my social studies classes. This is wonderfullll! What’s lame is that if I get an A on something, I’ll just be like, “Oh, good. I just have to maintain this.” There’s this sense of relief. If I get a B or lower, I start worrying about not getting that A. Why’s it gotta be like that? Why can’t I just be like, “Ah, I got an A, which means I’m learning!” and not, “I have to maintain this.” I thought this mentality would go away once I was in college, that I would start caring more about learning and less about some letter grade that tells you how well you know the material, but I guess old habits die hard, hmm?

The two classes I’m worried about not acing are my UGS and CMS. CMS slightly less than UGS… I’m worried about CMS because the tests are pretty tricky and detailed. I remember I studied three days for the midterm and ended up with an 86. I remember when I got that grade, instead of patting myself on the back for the effort, I just felt like this was high school again – being stuck in the B-range. I’m so sick of Bs, ya know? Bs aren’t bad, but it’s not an A – it doesn’t set you apart from the rest of the herd. So yeah, I was just annoyed and a little upset. Other people told me they got low Bs or something, but I still didn’t feel any better… which is slightly different than high school since I used to compare my grades with others. Ah well, I can still make it, I hope!

Then UGS for obvious reasons. Dang, that class is supposed to be easy since it’s targetting freshmen! Wtheck, it’s my hardest class! I worked my butt off for my first paper and got a B-, which really made me feel like crap. But then I aced the next two papers, so that’s better. But then I got a B+ on the midterm, which made me sadface because that’s worth a lot. I was ONE question away from an A. You can imagine how upset I was since I mentioned the whole being-stuck-in-the-Bs thing. Ah well, I just have to try harder. I still have two more papers and a final to ace! ^^

But grades aside, everything else is cool. I can’t believe all the fun things I’ve done since I’ve gotten here. College really gives you a lot of opportunities! Heck, it hasn’t even been three full months yet, and I’ve watched a ton of movies, gone to karaoke, partied, met a celebrity, volunteered at a school, planned a conference, advertised, talked about where I want to go with an Advertising degree, decided to apply for the Business school as well when I wasn’t even considering it, looked for study abroad options, attended concerts and shows… crazy! It’s so much more alive in Austin than Sugar Land. I love it here… more so than I thought I would.

My eyes I have really been opened to the weirdness that is Austin. I’ve always known I was a naive person, so a lot of things have shocked me, but I’m learning. It’s a bumpy but fun journey. ^^

Now I have to go to the CMA to watch my speech on tape and write a self-evaluation. And then I have a meeting to go to in order to plan Heritage Week in April. And then I need to draft a letter for the BABFA conference to send to high school principals/counselors and businesses. And then I need to review another chapter for my CMS final. Maybe sneak in some ARH reading tonight. Busy, but productive!

Yanno, whenever I just feel too tired or lazy to do anything, I remember something Leeron told me a long time ago when we had a conversation online: “Don’t be lazy.” It’s such a simple thing, but that sentence has always stuck with me, haha. So thank you, Leeron! Other times, all I have to do is look up and my gaze lands on one of the Yunho posters in Kim’s and my dorm. Call me obsessed or crazy, but he’s great inspiration, too. You got to do your best and believe in yourself!

Fighting!! ^^